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Donald Trump Jokes Late-Night Jokes About Donald Trump

“Donald Trump told The New York Times that he’s only been getting four hours of sleep a night. In other words, even Donald Trump lies awake at night worrying about a Trump presidency.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today Donald Trump signed a loyalty pledge to the Republican Party saying that he would endorse for president whoever wins the Republican nomination and would not run as a third-party candidate as he has threatened to in the past. And I’ll tell you something. When Donald Trump makes a vow, he keeps it. Ask any of his wives, they will tell you.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker says that he thinks only 12 states will decide the presidential election.

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And if Trump wins, those 12 states will include shock, confusion, outrage, despair, denial, anger, bargaining and finally acceptance.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump is facing criticism for refusing to name his favorite Bible verse. In Trump’s defense, it’s hard to be a fan of the Bible when three out of the seven deadly sins helped him get to where he is today. “Pride, greed and wrath have served me very well.” –Jimmy Fallon

“All the new polls indicate that Donald Trump is getting more popular every day. Apparently his inspiring riches to riches story is really resonating with everyday Americans.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Right now members of the Republican National Committee are essentially the scientists in a movie realizing their creation has escaped from the lab.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“According to an online poll, Donald Trump is still the front-runner in the Republican primary race. It’s very impressive because it’s the only race left that he hasn’t offended yet.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood.

“Donald Trump got in some trouble for saying that John McCain is not a war hero, and said, ‘I like people that weren’t captured.’ Not good. In fact, Trump’s people are telling him to lay low for a while until this all combs over.” –Jimmy Fallon

“At a campaign event in South Carolina, Trump gave out Senator Lindsey Graham’s personal cellphone number. He’s bringing the same level of class to this presidential election that one does to a stall in a public restroom.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“At a campaign event today, Donald Trump read Senator Lindsey Graham’s cellphone number aloud on live TV. It’s the craziest thing Trump has done since whatever he did right before that.” –Seth Meyers

“Republican hopeful Rick Perry this week compared Donald Trump to cancer. Which really isn’t fair, because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.” –Seth Meyers

“On Saturday Donald Trump had some unkind words for Arizona Senator John McCain. Can you imagine being tortured 5 1/2 years in a Vietnamese prison camp, and then a man whose greatest war-time accomplishment was brokering a peace treaty on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ between Gary Busey and Meat Loaf belittles you and calls you a loser?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The closest Trump ever got to battle was his fight with Rosie O’Donnell.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump’s campaign has raised about $100,000 in donations during the second quarter. Which raises an important question: Who is giving Donald Trump money? That’s like giving your money to a pile of money.” –Jimmy Fallon

“In a recent interview, John McCain addressed Trump’s campaign rally in Arizona and said that he just quote, ‘fired up the crazies.’ Not to be confused with Trump’s show ‘Celebrity Apprentice,’ where he just FIRED the crazies.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Researchers here in New York created a robot that actually passed a self-awareness test. So if you’re keeping score, that’s robots: 1, Donald Trump, 0.” –Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new nationwide poll, Donald Trump now leads all other Republican presidential candidates. But come on, if we elect him you know he’ll just leave us for a younger country.” –Seth Meyers

“After severing ties with Donald Trump, NBC is reportedly in talks with comedian George Lopez to take over ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ So Trump’s greatest nightmare came true. A Hispanic guy took his job.” –Seth Meyers

“Some bad news for Donald Trump. The controversial remarks he’s made since he began his presidential campaign have cost his brand as much as $80 million. You can tell things are rough for Trump because today he had to wipe his mouth with a napkin instead of a 20.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today Donald Trump’s official Twitter account accidentally tweeted a photo of him that also had images of Nazis in it. The Nazis are furious.” –Conan O’Brien

“After Donald Trump’s derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially cancelled ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Think about it, Donald Trump isn’t even president yet, and he’s already made America a better place.” –Conan O’Brien

“Macy’s has severed ties with Donald Trump and no longer will carry his men’s wear collection. From now on, men who want to look like Donald Trump will have to hunt and kill their own hair piece.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s Miss USA Pageant was last night. The title went to the contestant who was the meanest to Miss Mexico.” –Seth Meyers

“But that hair? That is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair, they are defending themselves from something that appears like it’s about to attack them.” –Jon Stewart on Donald Trump’s complaints about people making fun of his hair

“A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife.” –Conan O’Brien

“After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump’s hair has a new show on Animal Planet.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump announced that he’s running for president. During his speech he told the crowd that if elected he would be ‘the greatest jobs president that God ever created.’ Then God said, ‘Hey, don’t drag me into this publicity stunt.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“At his campaign launch, Donald Trump apparently paid extras $50 to cheer for him at the rally. Trump said, ‘Usually when I pay a person to like me, it’s my wife.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump is running for president, which so far is everything I could have hoped for and more. He made his announcement in front of a packed crowd of supporters. But according to The Hollywood Reporter, his camp hired actors to go and then hold up signs and cheer for him. Well, Trump did say he was going to create jobs.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump’s people deny these allegations. But the casting agency that supposedly sent out the job listing refused to comment. I don’t blame Trump. It’s embarrassing. It’s the political equivalent of paying kids to come to your birthday party.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump told ABC news that if he had Oprah as a running mate, they could easily win. Although you know who’d definitely win? Oprah WITHOUT Donald Trump.” –Jimmy Fallon

“In his presidential announcement speech yesterday, Donald Trump pledged to become ‘the greatest jobs president that God ever created.’ This is from the man who coined the catch phrase ‘You’re fired.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Political analysts are saying that as a candidate, Donald Trump is ‘a totally unqualified nuisance.’ In other words, he is a legitimate contender for the Republican nomination.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump is running for president, and I couldn’t be happier about it. He promised he would be ‘the greatest jobs president that God ever created.’ I think President Trump would be a very good thing for jobs in this country — specifically for my job here at this show.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Presidential hopeful Donald Trump said yesterday that he has better hair than Senator Marco Rubio — a claim that was recently disproven by wind.” –Seth Meyers

“Trump is running for president and he’s wasting no time getting down to business. In fact, just after his announcement he demanded to see Jeb Bush’s birth certificate.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy.” –Conan O’Brien

“Due to Donald Trump entering the presidential race, season 15 of “Celebrity Apprentice” will not air. But don’t worry. With Trump running for president, you’ll still get to see an irrelevant B-list celebrity not get a job.” –Conan O’Brien

“Did you see Donald Trump’s big announcement today? Trump is very confident. He could be the only presidential candidate to ever pick himself as a running mate.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A lot of people aren’t taking Trump seriously. But the fact of the matter is, when Donald Trump makes an announcement, people listen — because he’s shouting. You have no choice but to listen.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump said, ‘The American dream is dead.’ All right, well, it’s not exactly ‘Hope and change,’ but it’s a slogan.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump announced today that he is running for president. And based on the amount of bronzer he uses, he’s also running for president of the Spokane NAACP.” –Seth Meyers

“According to an email from his staff, Donald Trump is set to announce on June 16 whether he will run for president. Seriously? At this point, Donald Trump announcing whether he’s running for president is like soccer’s World Cup – it happens every four years and no one in America cares.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that.” –David Letterman

“Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won ‘Apprentice.’ Because nothing says ‘not racist’ like making a black man run your errands.” —Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald’s hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump’s supporters — all of whom are late night comedians.” –Conan O’Brien

“The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump.” —Jay Leno

“Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama’s birth certificate to make sure that it’s real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump’s hair.” —Jimmy Fallon

“They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas.” —Jon Stewart

“It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over three wives.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can’t find his birth certificate.” –Jay Leno

“Gary Busey said on the ‘Today Show’ yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said he’d release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since, well, Clinton probably.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return. Obama said he won’t run for a second term if Trump releases that thing on his head.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew ‘The Apprentice.’ So some good may come out of this.” –Conan O’Brien

‎”There is little doubt what Trump’s eventual announcement will be because he’s already decided to run in his mind. That means he’s a shoe-in because that’s where all his supporters are.” –Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of “Celebrity Apprentice” wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn’t want to let any reality get in the way of his reality show.” –Jay Leno

“According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: ‘A complex world demands complex hair.'” –David Letterman

“In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump said he has a good relationship with ‘the blacks.’ Well, not anymore.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.” –Craig Ferguson

“Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as ‘blue’ and his hair as ‘ridiculous.'” –Conan O’Brien

“The White House is saying Donald Trump has ‘zero percent chance’ of being elected. Isn’t that a little high?” –David Letterman

“Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That’s not the Donald Trump I know.” –David Letterman

“Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs — another blonde airhead.” —Bill Maher

“Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn’t make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn’t want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?” –Seth Meyers

“Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: ‘Are you better off than you were four wives ago?'” —Bill Maher

“Critics say it’s illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It’s also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn’t born in this country.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said he can’t make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever — I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country’s richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before.” –Jay Leno

“In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump said ‘I believe in god.’ But of course Donald thought he was talking about himself.” –Jay Leno

“Maybe he should ease into this – by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“If Donald Trump wins, my guess is America will look a lot like it did in ‘Back to the Future 2,’ when Biff was in charge.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama’s birth certificate could indicate that he’s a Muslim. Trump said he doesn’t trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump called George W. Bush ‘the worst president in the history of the United States.’ Then he added, ‘Until, of course, I’m elected.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump says he will run for president. He’ll have to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head.” –David Letterman

“Donald Trump is attacking President Obama’s background. And I said, ‘Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He’s half jack and half ass.'” –David Letterman

“Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, ‘I’m running for president.'” –Lewis Black

“Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents — doesn’t work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He’s already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem…” –Lewis Black, on Donald Trump

“This is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life. A President who’s not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.” –Lewis Black

“Trump says that if he’s elected, he won’t let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.” –David Letterman

“How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he’d use Hair Force One.” –David Letterman

“It’s starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you’re in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened.” –Conan O’Brien

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